I guess all my blogger followers is gone huh, since i didn't really update much about myself. but today i am back to blogger because i feel sinful and shame for losing my faith in god.
When this semester i were hoping and planning for all the best thing that could be happen in my live - taking diploma in mass communication (1year) but Inti college lie to me that if i finish my cert in business i can take a 6month shortcut to mass communication course but when i finish my cert and i plan to change they didn't do as they promise to eliminate 6month of the course but they want me to study all over again including moral, history and bunch of crap. so the only way for me not to wasting my time is continue diploma in business for that i got no choice but taking the business course again. (i like business but the main reason that i don't want to take it is because of MATH and ACCOUNT. i am sucks in calculation, i try to learn but it is all going too fast in short sem) *i have been thinking is god planning this road for me?! or it is just the luck is not coming to me*
Most of my friend is good in counting so i could count on them when it come to test and assign but this sem they fail to deliver their promise to me that they will give the answer to me in the exam. they has been taking cert with me pass years and i always be the one who gave them the answer in exam hall since is more on management subject and theory. i admit that i quite fed up at first but then i realize i was putting too much hope on them until i didn't really focus on the counting subject aka math, accounting. *at this point i judge god for not helping me to get the answer for not giving me the intelligent to solve the question*
Everyone have their own fun time hanging out, playing online games, pub, clubbing or some cyber cafe and for me is training in the gym - BodyBuilding. i am very serious about my training and my food intake for i believe my hard work will all be worth at the end of the day #GettingMyDreamBody. This is one of my way of releasing the stress because i could put my anger on the bar.! this is what happen today, i was walking to gym as usual and after my training when i was walking back home the rain started to fall the day before i has just been through my math test paper 2 and i don't have enough time to finish the paper due to late entering the class cause by heaving rain and big storm and wind as well. i lose my faith in god that time because this is the only chance for me not to failing the paper. after my test paper my mood is is extremely low and i plan to have a running session and the rain start to fall again. i always believe that when a person been through a real bad time/luck and all of a sudden the good luck will come back to you but not this time. after the rain stop i ran about 10 round down my apartment just to release my anger and asking god why me.?!!!!! why all this shits happen to me?!!!! -i judge god once again. back to the part for today morning when i walk back home the rain start to fall, in the same time my friend was calling me for a hang out, they already reach the place and want me to come right now. WET is the only word i could describe myself at that point of time, so i change my cloth and rush to met my friend. we been hang out like 1 hours plus and i learn some accounting method from my friend (have to study it no matter how much i hate it because my test paper result is so bad.)
5pm - church. my friend come to fetch me and i was going to church with all the question on my mind and i doubt god for not loving me like he did old time. and the incredible things happen next.. is when a girl walk on the stage and share is testimonial .. she has a kind of sick that will cause her to dead if she didn't go to surgery, she been through a surgery before at her age 13 but at that time the cold blood in her brain is not as danger as this time. and she was staying at foreign country that time, she plan to fly back to malaysia since she know that she have to come back to have the surgery but doctor didn't approve it because it will be very danger her (air pressure of the flight.) but praise lord she fly back to malaysia safety. and her parents was praying to god and have so much faith in god that her daughter will be safe, the surgery got it own risk it might cause her blind, coma, lost memory, lost his ability to move. when she step into the surgery room she said : i am not going to lie, i really do feel scare but i believe in god. her surgery is end earlier than the predicted time and her family members is around her and she could recognize all of them that means miracle is happening to her. before she end his testimonial she said this "When god throw a problem to you, he knew you could overcome it, this is why he pick you. Do not question god, why me instead be bless because god know you can do it and make you be the chosen one"
In that moment i realize i was such a fool for judging god and losing faith in him is for he is the one who sacrifice himself on the cross to wash away my sins and shame. My tears start to drop and i feel so sorry for betraying god i shouldn't doubt him at the first. i pray so hard for god forgiveness and i sing with my soul for i believe he will still loving me no matter what i did.
God i feel truly sorry for what i done, what i did. i will return to you. lead me, encourage me and make me stronger in you i believe nothing is impossible! thanks god, i love you my god, my lord.!
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